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Hey everyone! While I was at Gnomedex, I entered a contest to win a TouchSmart PC from one of our sponsors… HP! I would LOVE to win this, and you can help!

We had to write a Limerick and record it on the TouchSmart. There is a Poll going on Chris’ blog where you can vote!

SO GO VOTE FOR ME!!!

Thanks y’all!

“The strong will always survive”. That’s an excellent quote. But what happens when even they can no longer hang on?

I have been told repeatedly for years that I am a strong woman. In my heart, I know I am. I have been through hell and back in the past ten years. Hell, most of my life it’s been that way. “That which does not kill you makes you stronger”, right? I’ve always believed so, yes. I’m proud that no matter what Fate throws at me, I can laugh in Her face and continue on. I deal with things. Oh sure. I may get pissed, or upset, or hurt… but I deal.

I’m not so sure how much more I can deal with. I feel no strength right now. I feel no light within right now. I am unable to Ground and Center myself (Wiccan practice) right now. I try… I just can’t. Grounding and Centering have always been the way I can focus, regain my strength and recharge my spirit (for 10 years now anyway). I try, and I just … can’t.

When you’re always the one that everyone is depending on, the one they expect to be strong, the one everyone else needs… how the fuck do you wave the white flag and say “ENOUGH! I need help. I can’t do this alone. Please, someone… anyone… help me.”

I don’t think I know how.

If you read the blog post I made earlier about Beka, you’ll completely get why I’m so pissed beyond belief right now.

I have called the school every day this week, to keep them updated as to what’s going on with her. She hasn’t been there all week. The hospital faxed over notes to the school yesterday (Thursday). I just talked to the woman in the office, who got extremely shitty with me. I patiently explained the whole thing to her, and assured her I will get yet another note from our doctor today.

She got even shittier with me, and snapped something to me about how “falling down isn’t reason to miss school”. EXCUSE ME BITCH??? My 13 year old child falls down for no fucking reason, simply while standing up. Your school has stairs she has to go up and down in between every class. Would you REALLY like me to send her there today, and then sue the fuck out of you when she falls down those same stairs???

Beka misses more school than a “normal” child anyway, due to her Crohn’s disease. Yet, she still gets straight As. She still scores 2-3 grades higher than she should in her stupid state mandated testing every year.

Do NOT attempt to tell me what is best for my child. Back the fuck off, and shut your mouth.

Beka woke up with a cold last Thursday. Nothing horrible, or out of the ordinary. She kept feeling worse every day, which again isn’t unusual. She got a few really awful headaches, and we started making a list of how many headaches she’s had in about the past three weeks. She normally very rarely has any at all. I always know it must be bad when she comes and asks me for a Tylenol. This kid will lie and say she’s “fine” when you know she’s not… just to not have to take medicine. So for her to ask for some means it’s bad.

Ok. So on Wednesday this week, she was walking across the living room and fell down. It was the weirdest thing, but we honestly didn’t think much of it. A few hours later, it happened again. This time, though, she hit her head really hard when she fell and got a bump on it. I sat her down and asked her to tell me if anything felt weird or hurt, what happened to make her fall, etc.

She kept saying nothing hurt, nothing felt “wrong”. She said that “all of a sudden my legs feel like spaghetti with no bones in them and I just fall”. Uhm. That’s not right. I had her rest awhile. She got up an hour later to get a bottle of water… and yep. Fell again. Off to the emergency room we went.

They found nothing “wrong” with her, other than the fact that her Glucose (sugar) is “way too high”. WTF does that have to do with falling down for no reason?! They sent us home with an admonishment to see our regular doctor on Thursday.

Thursday, we saw the doctor, but all he did was order a shitload of tests. He refuses (rightly so, I know) to guess what could be wrong. During the day, Beka fell about seven more times total, all at random times, for no apparent reason. Her legs just stop working to walk, or hold her up. Twice she fell while she wasn’t moving… just standing still.

Am I worried? You bet your ass. My baby already deals with Crohn’s Disease. Could all of this be somehow related? I honestly don’t know, but I damn well can’t wait to find out. I’m scared to death, but I won’t let it show. I keep reassuring her, and calming her.

Add to this a death in my family this past week, baby Jenna having her first really bad cold, and finding out Dad needs a pacemaker (after all the problems he’s had the past two years already).

I’m a tad exhausted, a tad burned out, a tad in need of a few drinks and a beach somewhere… and a tad snippy lately. So if I snap at any of you for “no reason”, just hug me. I could use it.

I know, it’s been wayyy too long once again since I have blogged here. I’m sorry, truly. There needs to be another six hours in each day, I swear it. I get so busy with work, GeeksToGo, IRC, the girls, the grandbaby, my home, and everything else… I forget to worry about myself.

So let’s see. Not many things have “happened” this summer, necessarily. However, this is much to talk about. Settle in and get comfy. Grab yourself some popcorn or something. Cold Pepsi is in the fridge.

Let’s start with Beka. She went back to public school two weeks ago, into 8th grade. We did well enough with the homeschooling that she was able to stay in the class year she should be in. So yay us! The cheerleaders for football/basketball tried out last Spring, and practiced all summer long. Due to her many years of experience, they let Beka come in late and try out. She worked very hard for two weeks, learning all of their cheers. She aced the tryouts, and is now part of the squad! She is in Spanish I, and loves it! I was shocked, honestly. I didn’t think she’d enjoy learning it, but she comes home daily to teach me her new words. She’s also about to start Gymnastics lessons, and is beyond excited about that. She’s growing like a weed finally, now that her Chrohn’s Disease is under control. She’s up to 5′1!!! Not bad for the girl who’s always been the tiniest in her class.

Ashley is doing very well. She’s now 21 weeks pregnant. The baby is healthy, and moving around constantly. Ash and Adam’s wedding is fast approaching: Sept 27th. It’s going to be big… and beautiful. We’re busy every day with the plans, making sure everything is going to be perfect. Ash’s dress is absolutely gorgeous, and she looks amazing in it. I’m so proud of the kids. They have been living in a very nice townhouse of their own for about four months now. She keeps a very clean house, despite having a very active 15 month old. They pay their bills, manage their money well, and have enough left over to spend a little. They’re doing great. I know that this marriage is right for them. They have a very strong relationship, and are happy as hell together. It’s just a little hard for Mom to realize one of her babies is about to be married.

Yep… you read me right. Princess Jenna is now 15 months old already. She is the light of my life, and the joy in my heart. Who knew being a Gramma was this awesome?! She is the most amazing little thing. I love this age, because they literally learn something new every day. She talks up a storm. The other night, she received a little swat on her butt for trying to bite her Mommy. She started crying these heartbroken cries, and saying “nanaaaa. nanaaaa”. That’s me! She was crying for me. Ash called me laughing, but I got tears in my eyes. It’s an amazing feeling when my little punkin comes running in my house yelling “nanaaa!!”.

Ok, so me. Blargh. You know me, I never change. I work too damn much. I sleep too damn little. I recetly spent five days in Seattle for Chris’ conference. It was an absolutely amazing experience, and literally life-changing in some ways. I wrote a post explaining the conference tonight, and I still don’t feel I did it justice.

I love all of you, my friends. You guys keep me sane, and keep me grounded. You remind me to be human, to take time for myself when I don’t think I need to. You make me laugh, and cry, and realize how good life really is.

I’m still exhausted, and still pretty much in shock. Beka is devastated. Hundreds of animals died, including 12 new kittens they just got yesterday.

I’ve been on three separate news channels now, being interviewed. According to the fire chief, my house was in the most danger. We couldn’t see it at the time, but he told us a few hours ago that at one point, he had four fireman with two hoses standing in front of my house, just to be cautious. I’m SO beyond grateful that everything is ok.

I was video taping the fire with my digital camera (and giving commentary) at the exact moment the main fireworks blew, and blew out the windows. There were major explosions, etc. I have the video up on YOUTUBE if you want to see it. Two news channels have run my video tonight, b/c they hadn’t arrived on the scene yet when that happened. Pardon the quality, and pardon my crying. I was pretty freaked out when it exploded, watching fiery things land on my house.

Just to give you an idea of how close my house is to the fire (20 yards), I walked across to the other side today when the fire was out, and took a picture. This shows my house. See why I was so scared?

Thanks to all of you for the kind words, thoughts and prayers. Thankfully, no one was injured or killed in this. There was over 1.8 million in damage they’re saying… but NONE to any nearby houses or vehicles. We were all very, very lucky.

Please forgive me if this post is ‘all over the map’. I am exhausted. I am traumatized. I am sad.

It is now 9:58am. I have been back in my home for less than a half an hour. Around 3:30am, a fire broke out just across the street from my house in a 3-store ’strip mall’. It started in the south store, which was a pet store. And no, none of the many pets made it out alive. Next door to that is a Fireworks store, then a small Jackson Hewitt tax place… then a side street… then my house. My house sits literally less than 40 yards from the fire.

We were evacuated about 4:05am, and moved just across a small state highway, about 50 yards from the fire to the West. I was able to take many pictures and videos throughout the long morning. Thankfully, no one was injured or killed… yet. There is apparently one man missing, who was an employee of the fireworks store. They still haven’t been able to get in to look through the debris.

My home is nearly untouched. There’s a lot of smoke inside, but not dangerous amounts. It’s more just lingering. Before they let me back in, a fireman came in to make sure it was safe, and even brought a carbon monoxide tester in. I have some soot on the walls, but nothing that can’t clean. My cat, my house and our possessions are safe. And most importantly, WE are safe.

I was interviewed on camera during the fire by two separate news stations. If my name and/or video is aired anywhere, I promise to link it. For now, I am trying to get the videos uploaded. One of them… I was filming the fire at the moment the big fireworks in the fireworks store began to blow. I have video of the windows blowing out, and fireworks shooting off everywhere.

I love you all, my family and friends. I’m so happy and thankful that we are safe.

I’ve gotten several emails asking if I”m ok, so I thought I’d throw up a quick blog post to let y’all know what’s going on. Yes, I’ve been sick. Yes, I’m ok. I have a kidney infection AND mild bronchitis. (Yes, Justin, saw a doc today b/c my chest hurt, as well). I’m on antibiotics and a couple other meds, and I’ll be good as new in a couple of days.

Not true for my Dad, though. Y’all know of the problems he’s had with artery blockages and having part of his leg removed. Just two months ago, some occlusions in the stump were removed, and the specialist who did the surgery felt that the arteries would stay clear for “quite awhile”.

They are blocked again already. Two months, folks. That’s not good. We’re leaving for Chicago early tomorrow morning. (I’m getting ready to leave now to go spend the night there, easier to get ready and go tomorrow). While there, he’s getting yet another test to look at the occlusions, and then we immediately see the surgeon. We’ll know the plan of action tomorrow.

I pray they won’t have to take off the rest of the leg, but it’s honestly starting to look that way. Keep in mind, this is already an artificial artery that keeps blocking. So obviously replacing it with a fake one again isn’t going to work, either.

Keep Dad in your thoughts, guys. Those of you who know “Poppy Al” know what he’s been through the past year or so. Enough is enough already.

We took Jenna to the local pool for the first time last week. At 13 months old, she was SO much fun. She loves water, and isn’t afraid in the least. She even tries dipping her whole face in the water! We have to be careful of that, of course, so she doesn’t swallow a bunch of water and get sick. We slathered her in so much sunscreen, her hair was all matted with it. Since she has such thin blonde hair, her scalp could have burned easily!

Speaking of firsts with her, we’re heading to the Indianapolis Zoo on Sunday!! I absolutely LOVE going to the zoo, and so do both my girls. I can’t wait to see Jenna’s reactions to all the animals, sights and people… especially when we hit the Petting Zoo. We’re also hoping to get to an Indianapolis Indians baseball game this summer, and of course hit the lake a few more times.

She is at the stage where she learns something literally every day. What a joy it is to watch her excitement over every new thing she discovers. I have so much fun just sitting and watching her play and talk.

Beka is doing well. She’s not having as many minor attacks with the Chrohn’s Disease now, thankfully. She’s getting excited about returning to public school in the Fall. We did well enough on her home schooling that they are promoting her to 8th grade, where she should be. So yay me!

Ash’s pregnancy is coming along. She’s right at three months now. She’s having a lot of problems with dizziness and “morning” sickness again this time.. only worse. Poor baby. She spends the evenings here several days a week while Adam is at work… which doesn’t bother me at all! More Jenna spoiling time.

What’s that? Oh. How am I doing? Meh. You know me.. same old, same old. Work too much, sleep too little. But I love every minute of it.

You’ve been my best friend for many years now. You’re always just THERE when I needed you, good or bad. Because of you, I have grown in so many ways, and I honestly don’t think you even realize your role in that. You have helped me to learn things about not only malware and computers… but myself, and life in general. All this time, you’ve been an IM or phone call away. I know you’re not leaving ‘forever’.. but we both know it’s not going to be the same.

Thank you.

Those words just don’t begin to cover it, nor what your friendship means to me. I hope that somehow, you know what a huge place you have in my heart, and how much I treasure you. I hope you have the time of your life out there on the road, and that you return home safe and sound. Don’t forget us peons, ok?

Take care. I love ya. Ik zal u missen.